I’ve been dating for the last 2 and a half years after being in an exclusive long term relationship. As you can guess, it was really hard for me to know what I wanted in a dating partner after 20 years out of the dating field. I needed to get to know myself, and spending time with other people gives me a lot more information about my wants and needs than watching Xena Warrior Princess on Netflix.
So I fell in love with a handful of people, and sometimes we decided to hang out together and see how that went. And sometimes it went well. Sometimes it went hella poorly. Sometime I just didn’t know – that felt worst of all.
I want to talk about those connections that cause so much pain and confusion, where one simply doesn’t know. In 2008 the idea was to ask the other person what they wanted me to be so I could shape myself into that, as in the lyrics in song linked above. Nowadays my ideal is Self Expression, so I am taking the responsibility for figuring out what I am, then communicating that, then waiting for the chips fall where they may. Ouch!
How do I do it?
I think in terms of relationship transition instead of breaking up. Of course polyamory makes this easier. In the Binary world of ‘You, over there, come fill most of my needs and let me try and fail at filling most of your needs!’ there was a super high price for picking ‘the right one.’ In my current lifestyle of Dating Partnerships, there is more room to experiment with questions of –
How often do I want to see you?
What kinds of activities work for us to do together?
What kinds of environments do I want to spend time with you in?
What kinds of agreements do I need to make with you
- for the time we spend together?
- for the time we spend apart?
What agreements or habits used to be true that aren’t true now?
What little practices did you and I used to do to reassure each other of our caring for each other? Which do I want to continue? Which do I want to discontinue?
Do I need us to change our schedule, or our way of negotiating time together?
Please leave comments below. I’d love to hear what kinds of changes you need when you are transitioning your relationships.
I hope you found this post useful, please stay tuned for my next post – Suggested personal policies for Relationship Transitions and Break ups