Wants, Needs and Weeds

Hello Dear Ones,

I recently got this question:

“I’m a 53 year old heterosexual female. I  pride myself on not needing any man, any person, really. I provide financially and emotionally for myself and my son.  But my boyfriend doesn’t know how to be with me, because he’s used to feeling good about himself by being needed by a woman. I have run into this before so many times! What can I do?”

– ‘Needless in Nevada’

As you know, Readers,  I’ve been all about discovering my wants and needs these last few years.  One thing that always confuses me is the idea of needs. There are some things I need to survive and other things I can’t thrive without, but I can certainly live without.  I’m going to call these wants that are necessary to thrive ‘weeds.’  I got the term by taking the W from wants and the N from needs. I want to thrive the way a weed grows – exuberantly! I want to be hearty and have a wide variety of healthy growing conditions, in narrow cracks and on wide slopes.

So I need air, and water and healthy food and exercise to survive. I need to have work that is valued in our society and pays well enough.  But to thrive I need a wide variety of kinds of social interactions.

I weed to interact with people who get me.

I weed to interact with people who are willing to show me their world.

I weed to interact with people who can show me that they treasure my company.

That’s a lot of weeds!

So Needless and I had a conversation about the difference between Needs and Weeds. We did a meditation about how on one hand being a woman in this world who can take care of her needs is strong and beautiful. But there is another hand, there already exists a future version of herself that is deeply in touch with her wants, need and her weeds.  I believe that if Needless can tune into the places where she weeds her boyfriend, that he will find a way to resonate with that inner music, and find a way to feel valued and to reflect his appreciation back to her.

What do you think? Leave a comment about your Wants, Needs, and Weeds in the comments section below. Please share this post on Twitter or Facebook.

Ask me a new question, or be added to my mailing list,  using the contact form. You will receive a link and a password to unlock a worksheet to create your own meditation on Wants, Needs, and Weeds. One lucky winner will who completes the contact form will even win a free 20 minute meditation session over Skype with me!



6 thoughts on “Wants, Needs and Weeds

  1. She might not need him to change her tires or whatever, but I like that she weeds him to show her his world, she weeds him to be vulnerable, she weeds him to be an attentive lover. Nice distinction!


  2. Note: I have a lot of positive associations with the term “weeds” as it is, so I’m having trouble jumping on the bandwagon of this terminology. Weeds tend to be the most beneficial medicine. I enjoy creating “weed gardens” by weeding out only the plants I don’t need or want, and then leaving the beneficial weeds that I enjoy.

    As far as distinctions, needs to survive and needs to thrive are definitely two different sets of needs. I pretty more ignore “needs to survive” because they’re the same for every body that breaths, drinks, eats, generates heat and so on. However, interestingly enough, we need love to survive too (not just to thrive). A baby that is not held and nurtured will die even if it can breath, be warm, and be fed.

    Furthermore, as young children we’re wired to prioritize love above all else, because of our parents do not care for us, we will die. We have to be lovable to make it in this world, so we do everything we can to please our parents. Whatever works best to make us feel safe is what we use later as adults. So if being demure was the best way to get our parents’ love and feel safe, then we’re quieter adults. In my case, being outspoken and loud got my parents’ attention and praise best, and so I’ve been that to this day.

    What gets really interesting to me is the unique “needs to thrive” that each of us have. How some of us need music playing to achieve our most profound states of being, and how others need silence. (I’m the latter in that case.) How some of us need a lot of sex to process out difficult emotions and connect with a partner, and how some of us feel most complete when we find love outside of an intimate relationship. (I’m the former in that case.) What fascinates me beyond the differences themselves is studying where these differences come from.

    How did one person get to be someone who preferred silence, or celibacy?

    Just further food for thought. 🙂


  3. I think I get the Weeds thing. I work with my hands and mind to get financial substance for my physical needs.
    My photography, music, writing, and intimacy with other allows me to tap into my joy.
    Weeds, I like.
    Thank you, Leora.


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