What’s an ‘Inner Partner?’

Here’s a Meditation I created for a client who uses ‘she/her’ pronouns.

Getting to know my ‘Inner Partner’

It’s a terrific way to start to become familiar with Heart Rhythm Meditation and the Chakras so I thought I’d share it here.

I wanted to caution folks about my use of the term, ‘Inner Partner.’  It’s a phrase that came to me, not from Urban Dictionary, but from my life experience.

In my teens, I started experiencing the delicious sensation of falling in love.  I remember at age 18, my first serious college boyfriend took me out to dinner.  Glimpsing my own face in the bathroom mirror of a fancy restaurant I was shocked at what I saw. I saw my own face, and it felt jarring. I didn’t look right at all. I didn’t have his strong nose, or big brown eyes!

Who is that? What am I looking at? That’s not what I am used to seeing! That isn’t the face burned into my retinas!

I was quite upset for a long moment, until I remembered myself.  Then it hit me how deeply I forget my very self when I fall in love.  At that point I made a promise to myself  to stay aware of my own tendency to forget myself when I got into relationships  and I vowed to someday be able to experience being in love with both My Beloved and Myself  at the same time.

I was able to learn better and better how to ‘act as if’ I loved both at the same time over the next 3 decades, with more success at times, and less success at others. Becoming a mother made loving several people at once, including myself even more difficult.  It was so tempting to become swept away be the deliciousness of the small, sweet-smelling, adorable human in my care and to forget myself entirely and profoundly.  And that even felt like was a relief.

Over the years, with the help of Meditation, I started to do deeper in my love for myself than acting ‘as if.’  Having actual experiences was much easier than intellectually holding on to the practice as an ideal.  At the same time, my explorations of the ideas and customs of Polyamory helped me learn to love other people with a deep appreciation that they existed in their own right, outside of what I wanted from them.  Suddenly I realized that the I had to treat myself from two different perspectives.

In the language of Polyamory, there were parts of me that were my girlfriend’s lover, and parts of me that were my girlfriend’s metamore. Just like my girlfriend’s boyfriend had to check with his wife before making plans with her, I had to check with myself before making plans. So I named the part of me that I was checking with my ‘Inner Partner.’  Jokingly, I referred to my Inner Partner as my wife. Soon it became a sweet little joke between us. ‘Is that okay with Wifey?’ she would ask.

For example:

“Oh my Goodness, driving an hour to see you right now dear sounds delicious! I really want to do that, but let me check with my Inner Partner and see how all of me feels about that idea…

Opps, my ‘wife’ says that I promised her to get a good night sleep tonight, because I’ve been really burning the candle at both ends to much lately and I want to be my best in the morning. Let’s make plans for another day.”

That’s when I realized that I could love myself and at least one other person passionately, and honor both of my needs and their needs, at the same time. I realized that I don’t need to fill everyone’s needs all the time, I just need to be respectful of everyone’s wants and needs. The phrase I had said and heard at so many discussion groups: ‘I’m solo poly, I am my own primary relationship’ suddenly became much more real.  And I realized that these were ideas that needed to spread back into Monogamous Culture, because I’d needed them since my teenage years. Needed them badly.

It’s not a terrible thing to have enough sensitivity to experience the pull to put other people’s needs first.   It’s delicious and wonderful. It feels wonderful. It’s part of some of our natures to varying degrees. And it’s true that some of us act this way because of unhealed heart wounds from the past. No matter the reason, for some of us, it’s too easy to become unbalanced in this way. Luckily tools are available to restore that balance. If you want to have your cake and eat it too, set your intention to take your relationship with your Inner Partner to the next level. A good step is using the meditation above.

In what ways have you come to treat your Inner Partner with respect and love? Is it different for you is some way? Please leave a comment below.

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Wants, Needs and Weeds

Hello Dear Ones,

I recently got this question:

“I’m a 53 year old heterosexual female. I  pride myself on not needing any man, any person, really. I provide financially and emotionally for myself and my son.  But my boyfriend doesn’t know how to be with me, because he’s used to feeling good about himself by being needed by a woman. I have run into this before so many times! What can I do?”

– ‘Needless in Nevada’

As you know, Readers,  I’ve been all about discovering my wants and needs these last few years.  One thing that always confuses me is the idea of needs. There are some things I need to survive and other things I can’t thrive without, but I can certainly live without.  I’m going to call these wants that are necessary to thrive ‘weeds.’  I got the term by taking the W from wants and the N from needs. I want to thrive the way a weed grows – exuberantly! I want to be hearty and have a wide variety of healthy growing conditions, in narrow cracks and on wide slopes.

So I need air, and water and healthy food and exercise to survive. I need to have work that is valued in our society and pays well enough.  But to thrive I need a wide variety of kinds of social interactions.

I weed to interact with people who get me.

I weed to interact with people who are willing to show me their world.

I weed to interact with people who can show me that they treasure my company.

That’s a lot of weeds!

So Needless and I had a conversation about the difference between Needs and Weeds. We did a meditation about how on one hand being a woman in this world who can take care of her needs is strong and beautiful. But there is another hand, there already exists a future version of herself that is deeply in touch with her wants, need and her weeds.  I believe that if Needless can tune into the places where she weeds her boyfriend, that he will find a way to resonate with that inner music, and find a way to feel valued and to reflect his appreciation back to her.

What do you think? Leave a comment about your Wants, Needs, and Weeds in the comments section below. Please share this post on Twitter or Facebook.

Ask me a new question, or be added to my mailing list,  using the contact form. You will receive a link and a password to unlock a worksheet to create your own meditation on Wants, Needs, and Weeds. One lucky winner will who completes the contact form will even win a free 20 minute meditation session over Skype with me!